


Here Now

by GhostGrantaire



Series: Stancy Week 2017 [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Demogoron, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 11:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10853469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGrantaire/pseuds/GhostGrantaire
Summary: "He walked up the stairs cautiously, following the families who were filing in politely.  He watched the adults hug Barb’s parents gently and hoped he could get away without doing that.  He’d never met Barb’s parents, and while he was sure they were wonderful people, he really didn’t think he could handle hugging them."





	Here Now

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Stancy Week, the prompt "blue/hurt"
> 
> Title comes from the Wild Child song of the same name

Steve pulled at his tie again. He felt like he was suffocating, and he wanted to throw the tie out of his car and strip off the button-down so he could breathe, but he forced himself to stay calm. This wasn’t about him. He pulled his suit sleeves down, feeling unable to stop fidgeting before opening his car door and climbing out. He stared at the church like he was staring down another monster, but stuffed his hands in his pockets all the same and made his way to the front door.

His eyes found Nancy immediately. She was standing by the family, holding hands with Barb’s mother, who looked like she was seconds from tears. He’d never met Barb’s parents, only seen them from afar, and he kept his eyes on Nancy without meaning to.

He wasn’t sure what they were anymore. They hadn’t really talked things over since the whole Incident. Steve didn’t want to push her, no matter how desperate he was for an answer. He’d been the one to mess everything up, after all, and he could manage to wait a bit longer to figure things out.

Besides, he knew how much she was dealing with. He knew she was helping plan the arrangements for her _best friend’s funeral_ because her parents were so distraught, as well as dealing with her own family issues. He still wasn’t 100% sure about everything that had happened in the last month, but whoever this “Eleven” was seemed to be pretty important, and he knew that Nancy’s brother wasn’t taking her disappearance well.

Nancy came to class looking more exhausted every single day. The beautiful smile that had caught Steve’s attention in the first place was all but gone, and her bright eyes seemed dimmer every single day. Steve would be lying if he said that the thought of Nancy Wheeler fading into something quiet and dark didn’t terrify him.

He walked up the stairs cautiously, following the families who were filing in politely. He watched the adults hug Barb’s parents gently and hoped he could get away without doing that. He’d never met Barb’s parents, and while he was sure they were wonderful people, he really didn’t think he could handle hugging them.

The family in front of Steve walked inside, leaving him in front of Nancy and Mr. and Mrs. Holland alone.

Nancy’s face was politely blank when she looked at him. She offered a small smile when he gave her a sympathetic nod, and whispered a small “thank you for coming,” but it sounded rehearsed. The interaction caused Steve’s stomach to sink. He wasn’t sure what he’d been hoping for, but that hadn’t been it.

 _It’s not about you,_ he reminded himself for the hundredth time that morning.

He tried to do her a favor and not linger, instead slipping inside the church. There was no coffin, which Steve decided was most likely due to the lack of a body. Besides, this whole thing wasn’t even _technically_ a funeral– Barb’s parents insisted on calling it a “memorial” instead, since they refused to believe she was dead, despite what Chief Hopper had told them. Steve wasn’t actually quite sure _what_ the chief had explained to them. He somehow doubted it was the truth. But they’d still at least accepted she wasn’t coming back, so here they were.

Steve spotted Jonathan and his family a few pews up. Jonathan was glancing around unsurely, and Steve noted bitterly that he wasn’t wearing a tie. He tugged at his own again.

Their eyes met, and Jonathan didn’t look away like Steve thought he would. After a second, he nodded at Steve, who repeated the gesture back hesitantly. Steve wasn’t really sure what they were now– not quite enemies, definitely not friends, but nothing as casual as classmates. He’d apologized and Jonathan had accepted it, and they’d barely spoken since.

Jonathan’s mother said something to her sons, and the boy redirected his attention away from Steve. Steve felt instantly lost in the room without any source of connection, and he let his eyes wander. He stared at the picture of Barb at the front of the room, and her wide smile made his skin crawl.

He’d barely known Barb. He always got the feeling she didn’t like him much at all, though considering the way he’d acted over the past few years, he didn’t really blame her. He thought about that night briefly, the five of them hanging around his backyard, and how alone she must’ve felt. The thought that he was one of the last people to actually see her when she was still alive made him sick. He looked away from the picture.

“Hi Steve.” Steve glanced over to see Ally, a girl from his class, slipping into the pew beside him, with a few of her friends close behind. They all looked equal parts forlorn and uncomfortable, and he got the feeling he wasn’t the only one who sucked at funerals. He offered them all what he hoped was a comforting smile and began to chat idly as they waited.

*******

He had to get out of here. He’d managed it alright for a while, but if he had one more middle-aged woman pat him on the shoulder and ask if he and Barb had been friends, he was going to throw up. Barb’s mother was sobbing openly, and her father’s face were streaked with tears as well. He couldn’t look at them for much longer or he was going to throw up.

Funerals had a way of making him feel stripped bare and on the spot for everyone to see. Any remorse he experienced felt fake. He always felt like he was just taking on the emotions of anyone in his vicinity. He felt wrong and out of place and it made him want to crawl out of his own skin.

As soon as he could, he slipped out through a side door into a hallway. After making sure it was empty, he heaved a great sigh of relief, letting the pent up anxiety escape him. He tugged at his tie again and looked around anxiously until he spotted a door to the outside. His hand was already fishing for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket as he made his way down the hallway.

Suddenly, a sound from the closet beside him made him jump. He looked at it anxiously, feeling on edge, until another noise rang out from inside, and he realized someone was crying.

At the realization, his shoulders tensed again. He really didn’t want to deal with this. He was terrible with people in mourning, always finding the wrong things to say and making things worse. He considered just walking away, but as another sob rang out from inside, something about it stood out to him, and unease swirled inside his chest.

Nervously, he knocked on the door gently before pulling it open. His eyes drifted down to the floor, and he let out a harsh breath when he saw the girl sitting there.

“Nancy,” he breathed out, and her eyes snapped to him.

He couldn’t move as he looked at her. She had her legs pulled up to her chest, and her hair was falling out of its careful ponytail. She looked up at him, gasping desperately for breath between her sobs. Her irises looked even bluer than normal due to the bright red ring surrounding them. She wiped furiously at her eyes and ducked her head back down as if to hide her face.

“Steve–” she gasped out, sounding like she was trying to catch her breath. She was holding a funeral program, wringing it desperately in her slender hands.

“Do you– do you want me to get someone?” He stammered over the words. His arms were hanging awkwardly at his side and he felt like he needed to be doing something, but he didn’t even know where to begin. He tried not to let his eyes linger on her, feeling like he was violating some sort of privacy just by being there.

“No, please, can you just…” she stammered, taking a deep breath. After a long moment she looked back up at him. Her chin was trembling dangerously, but her eyes were wide and honest.

“Can you please just sit with me?”

He nodded before he knew what he was doing, letting the door fall close behind him. The light from the hallway disappeared instantly, and it would have been completely dark if not for the small window above the shelves. Steve moved a couple boxes out of the way quickly and sat beside her, looking at her intently as she wiped at her cheeks. 

“I’m here,” he mumbled. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but she seemed so fragile, he was worried he’d break her as soon as he did. He didn’t think he’d earned the right to touch her again, anyway.

Nancy nodded madly, curling herself even tighter around her knees. He felt so helpless as he watched her collapse in on herself, but he didn’t know what to do. Her chest rose and fell dramatically with every breath. Sometimes her breath would slow, and he’d think she was calming down, but then she would just break out into another sob.

Without thinking, he reached out and placed a hand on her back, rubbing gently in a pathetic gesture of compassion. The touch seemed to break something within her, and she began crying harder, but she also leaned into it, which surprised Steve. He tried to keep his shock down, focusing his energy on her.

He watched as she pulled at her anxiously. She looked like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin, and Steve felt like he understood the feeling.

His fingers still itched for a cigarette. He glanced at Nancy’s hands and noticed they were shaking, still clutching at the pamphlet. Hesitantly, he moved his hand towards her and took it in hers gently, threading their fingers together.

Nancy didn’t pull away, and instead squeezed his hand tightly and leaned her head against his shoulder. They stayed like that for several minutes, Nancy’s chest heaving with sobs, her tears seeping into his shirt.

“I just came in here to get more chairs,” Nancy whispered suddenly, kicking lightly at a row of stacked folding chairs in the corner. “I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s okay,” he replied softly, though he wasn’t really sure what he meant by that.

Nancy just shook her head, staring blankly at the door in front of them. Her eyes were full of heartbreak and shame, and Steve wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than the emotionless daze he’d seen in them previously.

“I shouldn’t be hiding like this,” Nancy whispered. Her eyes dropped down at her lap, looking so, so broken. “I mean, Barb’s parents are the ones… they’ve lost so much…”

Her voice drifted off and she squeezed her eyes shut as another wave of tears washed over her. Without thinking, Steve brought her hand to his mouth, pressing a firm kiss to her fingers. “You’re allowed to be upset, Nancy. You lost her too. She was your best friend.”

She let out a loud sob, and Steve worried he’d only upset her more. “But it’s my fault she’s gone.”

“No.” Steve replied immediately, feeling nauseous again. He squeezed his eyes shut and rested his chin on the top of her head as she cried. “No, it’s not.”

_No, it’s not, because it wasn’t your party and it wasn’t your house and it wasn’t your pool and it wasn’t your idea, it wasn’t you Nancy, it was me, don’t you get it?_

He felt his heart rate increasing dangerously and he stared up at the ceiling to try and calm himself down. He needed to get rid of those thoughts, the ones he’d been trying to avoid for weeks. The thoughts that reminded him that he had no right to be holding Nancy when it was his fault she was here in the first place. They could blame that lab all they wanted… but the lab hadn’t been the one to put Barb directly in the monster’s line of sight. No, that was all him.

Nancy’s breath had become ragged again, and he realized both of them were practically hyperventilating. That observation made him remember why he was there in the first place– to help Nancy. He couldn’t do that if he was freaking out himself. He slowed his breathing with great effort, relaxing slightly as he felt her do the same.

“I miss her,” Nancy said suddenly. Steve jolted as she suddenly pressed her nose into the crook of his neck, and he felt the cold touch of her tears against his skin.

“I know, Nance,” he whispered, the nickname coming out unbidden. He pressed a kiss to her hair. “I know.”

He kept himself from apologizing, knowing it wouldn’t make anything better. He stayed quiet, letting her cry against him for as long as she needed, pressing occasional kisses to her hair.

Time passed slowly. Nancy stayed curled in a ball, leaning all of her weight against Steve, who let his legs kick out to keep him from feeling cramped. He’d never done well in small spaces, but luckily that was the last thing on his mind right then. After a while, Nancy stopped crying, and they just sat there in the darkness together.

“Can you–” Nancy stopped to wipe her nose and her eyes, and Steve waited patiently for her to continue. He knew he’d say yes to anything she asked anyway. “There’s a sort of… wake at the Holland’s house after this, and I… well, can you stay with me? I just don’t think I can do it alone.”

He gripped her hand tightly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She pressed her face into his chest again, taking a deep breath, and for the first time that afternoon Steve felt like he could breathe too. He was suddenly hit by how deeply he had meant what he’d said. He still wasn’t sure where they’d go from here, but for as long as she needed him, he wouldn’t be going anywhere. He was here to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://www.ghost-grantaire.tumblr.com)!


End file.
